stay in touch.

So i am managing through this whole issue of "reconnecting" with my PTSD after it lay buried under of warm, Pendleton of denial and solitude...awakening it may have not been a good thing...It may be the thing that pushes me over the edge of reason and into a whole new paradigm...It is what it is and in the end I probably owe a debt to the good colonel and his girlfriend for making me the crazy mother fucking indian that i have become...we will ride this last war pony to sundown...

So I am thinking that there is a whole secret issue behind this war. It is the closing gaps of old ancestoral spiritual wars between the Lakota and the Anishinabe. There are corners where a bit of resentment is stashed; in the name of culture and pride and entitlement and it is vigorously spent in the name of progress...and the new green economy. Indians who knock other indians for being wanna-be's are they themselves in a world of insecurity about identity. Agent Ginew is just harboring resentment about his own identity...and he is harboring it toward himself...like his business dont stink and he is the ALPHA and OMEGA of War Chiefs and everyone else is shit.

But it begs the question that ALL of Native America is on the throes of asking which is "Who the fuck am I?" Am I something that my old man would be proud of? Or would he be ashamed of me and my actions and attitudes to the point of dishing out some disapproval that I couldn't handle...? Does my daily interaction with people leave a good impression or do I act like MY way is the ONLY way...and push people away...to the point of emotional isolation? HMM? both of these apply to Ginew and WLD.

"I don't want to be a soldier; that the captain of some sinking ship would stow...far below...if you love me..why'd you let me go??? A good tune...

For me, I fight because no one told me to stop and even if they told me to; I wouldn't know how to. Too many people feel they have to fight in another's army or another's war and they promise great payouts of $30,000 or 45,000 to local charitable not for profits from the $17,000 that was paid to them from illicit and illegal fights. They offer the hope of a new world with the best of intentions and of course we know about the road that is paved with good intentions...it is slippery covered in the blood of indifference. My indifference is that i fight in my army with my orders. Thats the defining line between soldier and man. You can bark out orders like a soldier and expect that the world will dance a crow hop when any song is played...or you can be a man and lead by example...and be inclusive of the singers and the dancers and the drummers...and it will all go smoothly... or not...but at least the failure is shared and not on the shoulders of one lone ALMIGHTY gunman.

I will receive some criticism for this blog and my subsequent media frenzy. Fuck them. Who are you to tell me how I am supposed to deal with my "trauma" in this. If you don't like the battles, don't join the war. This is MY fight. If you don't like animals running free and wild, don't ask them to join the movement...and then bitch and moan when the animals thrive....

I can take the war. I am not going anywhere.

WE live. We pray. Bamaa.